If you ever want to be in a validated relationship then there are a few things you need to know.
A validational relationship is the best thing to get into and is the polar opposite of a transactional relationship.
Mindful listening is required:
Mindful listening is a major component if you want to validate your relationship. Mindful listening is a way of listening without judgment, criticism or interruption, while being aware of internal thoughts and reactions that may get in the way of people communicating with you effectively. This means you really pay attention to what your partner is saying while suspending your own judgments, reactions and criticisms to the situation or topic. This also means that you focus on your partner’s current experience while temporarily letting go of the need to advise, change, help or fix the situation. Show you are listening by stopping what you are doing, facing them and making eye contact, and actually listening as they speak. Doing this can create an amazing bonding and relationship strengthening moments that he or she will remember.
Acknowledgment is key:
Allowing your partner space to be upset and have some time to themselves is also important in relationships. For example, if your partner is upset then acknowledge they are up and accept that they may need space to figure out and resolve the issue that is upsetting them. So, rather than trying to cheer your partner up or placate them – you allow them space to be upset. Sometimes when we are in a relationship, the best thing to do is not placate your partner but gives them space to breath and ponder their thoughts – we all need and deserve a time out.
Validating means accepting (not agreeing):
Validating does not equal agreeing. An important distinction is that you can accept your partner’s feelings, but it doesn’t mean you need to agree with them. Respect your partner’s perspectives and feelings as natural and valid, even if they’re different from your own. Validating your partner’s perspective doesn’t require you to abandon your own. Empathizing shows that you understand why they have those feelings and needs. For instance, say that you go dancing together for the first time. Afterward, you discuss your thoughts and feelings on the activity. Your partner found it as a thrilling experience and would love to do it again, while you found it boring and a waste of time. You might validate their point of view by saying, “It sounds like you really enjoyed the night. It wasn’t my favourite thing to do but I am very happy you had so much fun.” In this example, you’re acknowledging your partner’s enjoyment of something, without sharing the same sentiment.
Understand your partner:
Asking questions is one of the best ways to understand your partner. If you have a partner and they are currently in a problem or difficult situation then the best thing to do is ask open-ended questions. “How did that happen?” “What are you going to do about it?” “Why did he do that?” Asking questions to clarify a problem or situation can really solidify your relationship as well as clarify your partner’s experience. This can be a very gratifying result for your partner because it shows you care and really want to listen.
Understand your partner (and show it):
Show you understand by using validating statements such as, “I can understand why you are upset,” or “I would also be very angry and disappointed if that happened to me as well” to let them know you see why they feel the way they do. You can also show validation with non-verbals, such as giving them a hug if they feel lonely, helping them by cleaning the house if they feel over-whelmed or just giving them space if they need time to think.
How do you find out if your partner is more interested in a transactional relationship?
Well, time tell all, right? If she is really after a transactional relationship then time is a factor and she will reveal herself.
If she only sees you when she wants something or if you go out it’s always at a mall or to go shopping then your relationship is clearly transactional. If you want affection and comfort but you have to exchange that with gifts or money then your relationship is clearly transactional.
Transactional relationships can range from the most overt, such as sugar daddies giving sugar babies allowances to subtle such as a wife staying with a husband just because he pays the bills and can take care of the children but there is no love in the marriage. The bottom line is there is a transaction happening somewhere.
I have known over 100 cases personally of married women cheating on their husbands because the relationship is no longer validational. Some husbands know about it and others don’t. With the ones that know about it – some are angry and some aren’t. At that point you have 2 choices, either stay married or get divorced. If you get divorced it might cost you A LOT OF MONEY.
How do you date a guy who chooses not to be affectionate to prove he doesn’t need it to validate a relationship?
If a guy chooses to not be affectionate because he thinks he doesn’t need to validate a relationship is clearly overcompensating and probably has some serious problems to work out. In this situation it is clearly not your issue to fix his problems.
If a man deprives you of a completely natural human experience and one that you’re entitled to as a woman he’s dating then he needs to be dropped immediately because this is a big red flag. He is effectively disregarding your feelings when he says, he is trying to prove that he doesn’t need affection to validate a relationship. Your concerns and feelings need to matter and factor in the relationship because a relationship needs two people. Do your feelings not matter to him? If anyone says anything like this to you then that is the minute you walk out the door, don’t look back and find someone else.
There could be reasons for his dysfunctional thinking and here are a few of them:
• He’s afraid of being vulnerable to anyone and actively removes himself from that type of situation.
• His parents may not have been affectionate while he was growing up so he thinks that affection is dispensable in general.
• Perhaps he was traumatized by his last girlfriend and now he’s taking it out on you.
His type of thinking displays a tremendous amount of ignorance about how women feel when they are in relationships and is an absurd rationalization towards what a relationship should be – it’s a self-defeating position.
What a real relationship should look like:
What I mean by a real relationship is when a partner is just right, the compatibility is 100%. It is a partnership where there are no issues and no fights. There are no big blow-outs, cheating, being disrespectful and physically fighting. There is trust, loyalty, confidence in your partner and validation.
What I have learnt is if your partner does not call you it is because they don’t want to talk to you. If they do not invite you to go out, it’s because they don’t want to see you. If they treat you like shit, it’s because they simply do not care. If they let you go, it’s because they do not want to be with you. When they say “I’m not ready, but you are the love of my life and the only one that I want, but now is not the right time” it’s simply because they do not want you.
Don’t keep playing their confusing games. Don’t justify them. When someone wants to be with another person, they stay with them without lies, excuses or complications. No obstacle could ever prevent that love from happening. So, stop being naive, and narrow minded. Stop justifying their excuses and actions and put YOURSELF first for once.
You do not need someone that has no idea of what they want. You do not need someone that doesn’t see your worth. You deserve someone that knows just how much you’re worth and fights for you every single day. Stop breaking your own heart for someone who probably won’t even be as good as you expect. Give yourself an opportunity to be with someone who actually deserves you. Or just be alone, at least for a little while and be amazed what being alone can bring one person.
In the end, all we have are ourselves. Never be dependent on anyone but yourself. You are the only one in control of how your entire life plays out.